Now that the Cleveland Indians have caved into leftists’ demands and scrapped their original mascot because someone found the face of a smiling Indian chief “offensive” it begs the real question… “What can it be replaced with that wouldn’t be offensive to the overly sensitive imaginary needs of the modern liberal?” Surely something is better than the hamburger slider they’ve been using in the chief’s place?
So I’ve been tasked to brainstorm some alternative mascot options, while conferring with a panel of most easily offended group of human beings on the planet—American college students—to weigh the pros and cons of each option….
1. The Cleveland Ohioans (?)
While it seems pretty self explanatory and innocuous and at first, I was quickly reminded that it might be found offensive to those that gender identified as agricultural Midwestern states….
2. The Cleveland Virtue Signalers
While at first this also seemed like a mascot that the left would feel akin too….I was quickly reminded by the body of liberal arts majors that it might be offensive to those that didn’t have access to the internet, and therefore couldn’t proclaim their perceived moral superiority while condescendingly standing up for those they assume aren’t capable of doing it for themselves….
3. The Cleveland Pussies
While truthfully there is nothing more lovable and non-threatening than a tiny kitten….it was brought to my attention that the word “pussy” itself would be triggering to those offended by Trump’s locker room comment from 16 years ago….even though the Venn diagram of those people triggered by that and those that wear pussy hats is a complete circle…
4. The Cleveland Steamers
It sounded familiar and I forgot why until I had to google image it…we’ve got to do better, so moving on…
5. The Cleveland Butt Fuckers
Pretty catchy. While I thought for sure this one would be just progressive enough to be openly embraced by the liberals on our panel….I was once again reminded by a non binary asexual student named Walnut that they/them found all acts of affection offensive and therefore desired everyone around they/them to modify their behaviors to accommodate they/them because it’s the only thing that makes they/them feel special with their otherwise dull personality…
6. The Cleveland Feminists
I too, thought this mascot would have been a shoe in…but the students complained that she was too white, cis gendered, and quote unquote “looked like a fucking conservative slut” so they kept altering the image until it was something so unattractive it looked like a donkey took a rainbow shit on Rosie O’Donnell.
So, I just slipped it into the trash when they weren’t looking….but I’m worried they won’t settle for anything else and this is what we’ll end up using.
7. The Cleveland Hypocrites
Although I tried explaining to the panel of liberals what a hypocrite was, they couldn’t seem to grasp the definition or concept at all. No matter how many times I pointed out the examples of hypocrisy on their favorite page, Occupy Democrats….they just didn’t get it. Weird.
8. The Cleveland Blanks
For sure as shit, I thought they couldn’t come up with a problem over there just being a blank space……but they said blanks reminded them of bullets, which reminded them of guns, which reminded them that they were pussies or something, so I actually had to scrap the idea of using nothing….
9. The Cleveland Partial Abortions
I did not suggest this for the record, they did…and as they sat there entertaining this awful idea and not coming up with anything at all that might be offensive about it….I reminded them that yes indeed, there were those that believed the murder of unborn babies especially late term ones is extremely immoral (not that the students cared) but left me with the idea for the next suggestion…
10. The Cleveland Go Fuck Yourselves
After passing around a piece of paper with the logo on it for them to more closely examine, I explained to them that it was actually just a piece of paper I wiped my ass across…